Saturday, March 11, 2006

5:31 PM

today, have competetion. my mum didnt even wash my shooting clothes. luckily my mum washed it and got it dry in time. then tied my hair and all, then jian huan told me that the time had changed. so i went back to sleep. then rushed to the interchange, then rushed to school. then packed my stuff, then mr lim send us to yishun safra rifle range. i didnt try my best, and i got shitty results. and i have to live with that. i thought this common test 1, i'd learn my lesson. but i guess im not going to learn my lesson in such a short time.
i hate the riflerange there. the water coolers shoot so high, then the carpet smells mouldy. then the girl standing behind me so noisy with her zippers, her plastic bags and her "oh shit!"
and my card thingy got jammed, and my rifle slipped, and i got a knock with that, and the wood splinter got into my hand, and i had to pluck it out. and i bled during the competetion. waste my time. and i suggest melanie should bring an oxygen tank there next time. and i wont let you off. and i will spray untill you cannot tahan.
went to horrid northpoint for lunch. jian huan and her plateydon i cant talk about anything happy that happened today. cause im not in the mood. then the milkshake was horrid. then we took the bus home. and horrid people were looking at us according to jian huan. then jian huan and rouying went to play at sculpture park. then i satyed at home. and i rejected their offer to go swimming at the hotel and go watch movie cause of my darling mum.
having horrid cold and hard sushi for dinner.
then kana tons and tons of scolding from my mother. go and call them if you want to ruin my life. go ahead. i've gotten used to it. sorry jian huan. my mum scolded you.

i officially hate yishun. i hate the rifle range there, i hate the swimming pool there. i hate the rock climbing there. i hate the tree top walk there. i hate yishun.

but i didnt try hard enough. do i have the right to complain? i shouldnt be complaining. i had enough of shooting for the rest of my life. but i cant do anything about it. have i reached my limit? or its just that i didnt try my best? i should be happy. but im not. and i can tell you anything. the door has closed.
im pretending. pretending, for my whole life. and i cant do anything about it. i have to go on pretending, and pretending. im so sick of all this. and i will never fogot what you said and did to me.

okay. its my fault. MY FAULT. okayokay? so stop it!

she's so right. people say you change when you are'nt living by their styles anymore.

i hate my life. i wanna shed my life away.
icantcry.myeyesaredry.isitmyfault
icantopenuptoyouanymore.icanseethatyouaregettingirritated.haiz.driftaway.icantfindthestringtoholdyou
.imnotwillingeither.notthatidontwannaletgo.butcani?youallthinkitsmyfault.andthatitallstartswithme.butisit?
im such a determined failure.
i read books to lose myself in them. so i can escape.
you can laugh all you want. jump over the moon if you want also. you must be happy that i only got 350.
is my life really meant to be this way? im beaten in everything. what has happened to me?!

manners are what makes us live with grace.
i should stop explianing myslef,why i failed. its just making a whole load of excuses. and its not helping.
my life is a never ending series of tital waves, and rapids.

free me, unchain me.


Fireman TOM & the Cranola Lady